


The Failure, The Sucker, The "Please Don't Speak!"

by Violent_Bulldog



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexual Chloe Valentine, Blood and Injury, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Chloe Valentine Has Feelings, Chloe Valentine Has a Squip, Chloe Valentine deserves a redemption, Chloe Valentine is Bad At Feelings, Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, Feelings of not being good enough, Gen, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, I don't actually know much about this musical..., Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, It was the Squip's fault, M/M, Michael Mell & Chloe Valentine Friendship, Multi, Not Chloe's OR Jeremy's, Panic Attacks, Post-Squip, Redemption, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slurs, Slut Shaming, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, The Squip is homophobic, Vomiting, oh well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:21:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23686081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violent_Bulldog/pseuds/Violent_Bulldog
Summary: Being the most popular girl in school isn't all that it seems, especially with a strange voice in your headChloe Valentine can tell you first hand
Relationships: Brooke Lohst/Chloe Valentine, Christine Canigula/Jeremy Heere, Jake Dillinger/Rich Goranski/Michael Mell (Possibly), Jeremy Heere & Chloe Valentine, Michael Mell & Chloe Valentine, Rich Goranski/Michael Mell
Comments: 12
Kudos: 38





	1. The Squip Enters

She didn't remember much from the play. She just knew that she drank from the beaker and suddenly woke up in the hospital with a pounding headache.

_Oh, good. You're awake._

The voice... it was her own, but it felt wrong. It felt like it was another person talking to her but inside her head. She shook her head slightly, cracking open her eyes. She wasn't surprised to find the room empty. Her mom was out of town on a 'business trip' with her 'step-father' or rather, the eighth man her mother had married within the last seven years. She was pretty sure his name was Jason or Jacob... she was sure it started with a J at least. 

_God, you're already worse than the masturbator. At least he had some chance in life. You? Fuck, save me the trouble._

Chloe winced at the voice snapping her out of her thoughts. Or, more into them? She wasn't sure what was happening.

_Please tell me you're not a complete fucking moron too, I can't deal with that too._

"Who... are you? Why do you sound like me, but I can't control what you say?" Chloe mumbled, sitting up in the hospital bed, wincing again as she accidentally tugged the IV drip that she didn't even realise was attached to her arm.

_Of course, your first thought is about controlling. That's the only thing you think you're good at._

Chloe frowned, furrowing her eyebrows in confusion.

_Ugh, you ARE a moron. I'm your Squip. I'm in your head and I tell you what to do to act correctly. I'm here to fix you._

"Fix me? What's wrong with me?" She muttered. The voice laughed loudly and Chloe almost covered her ears.

_What's wrong with you? Oh, this'll be fun. You're selfish, you're clearly stupid as fuck, you made Brooke change herself for you, you're the whole reason why any of this happened because if you didn't ignore Rich if freshman year then he wouldn't have taken one of the pills and he wouldn't have convinced Jermey to take one and then, none of this would've happened. You're only popular because people are scared of you, nobody actually likes you. You're a bully. Your dad hated you so much that he ditched you when you were eight, your mom hates you so much that she does her best to stay away from you at all times and her husband has already tried his best to knock some sense into you, Brooke doesn't respect you, she's scared of you. You have no friends because you're just a stupid slut. And, as I saved the best to last, you tried to sexually assault Jeremy at the Halloween party because you're jealous of Brooke and you wanted to get back at Jake._

As the Squip told her how shit she was, Chloe curled her knees to her chest and forced herself not to cry. She was Chloe Valentine, she didn't cry. 

She yelped as she felt an electric shock go through her right arm. She looked at her arm and saw faint lines across her bicep, where the shock had been the strongest. She trailed her finger over the lines, wincing when it stung.

_Don't go pitying yourself because someone finally told you what's wrong with you._

Chloe didn't know what the fuck was going on, but she hated it.


	2. Pinkberry and Wine Glasses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, it's getting dark.  
> Please, read the tags before reading further because there are multiple triggering things within this chapter and that will come with future ones

Apologising was one of Chloe's least favourite things. She never knew what to actually say and, since she was very bad at expressing her emotions, the person she was apologising to often thought that she was being sarcastic and that she didn't mean what she was saying. 

So, apologising to Brooke for making her feel second best and making her boyfriend cheat on her and apologising to Jeremy for trying to make him sleep with her wasn't exactly something that Chloe had looked forward to. Fortunately, she had already apologised to Jenna for using her for her gossip and apologised to Michael for bullying him since they started high school and they had both seen that she was being genuine about it and had forgiven her. They had even become quite close friends with her and were often seen talking in class and in the halls. 

After the entire play incident, the group of eight had all become fairly close and would sit together at lunch daily when they were all released from the hospital. Jeremy and Rich explained what the Squip was and what had happened at the play, resulting in Jeremy apologising to them all for putting them through it all. He had said that he was glad that it was all over and that he could barely hear his Squip's voice and he was glad that the others couldn't hear their's at all anymore. Everyone had agreed, but Chloe had sat frozen until Michael had dunted her arm and brought her out of her 'daydream'. She didn't know how she could or if she should explain that she could still hear and see her Squip. She chose to stay quiet.

Chloe sat alone in Pinkberry, string her melting yoghurt. She was waiting for Brooke to arrive so she could apologise about everything. Chloe didn't like the heavy feeling in her chest. She didn't have it when she apologized to Michael, Jenna or even Jeremy, who she had spoken to the previous day. He had said that it wasn't her fault and that it was his Squip's because it didn't let him say no or let him move. She was almost relieved about it until her own Squip had decided to speak up.

_You've ruined his life. He's going to be scarred forever, all because you were a stupid, jealous slut. Look at him, he can't even look you in the eyes._

And it was right, Jeremy was staring intently at his shoes. Chloe had made up an excuse and left the conversation quickly.

"Hey Chlo!" Brooke's cheerful voice snapped Chloe out of her thoughts. The heavy feeling increased, but the slight sting of the Squip's shock made her focus on her friend instead. The Squip shocked her whenever she did something that it didn't like. Such as eating her frozen yoghurt, which was now just a mint-strawberry-chocolate sticky mess.

"Hey Brooke" Chloe cleared her throat, not liking the way her voice sounded weak. She winced as the Squip shocked her again, feeling the new scar already forming. She'd been out of the hospital for three weeks and her upper arms and shoulders were a complete mess of thin scars and burn marks. Fortunately, her bomber jacket completely covered them, so nobody needed to know.

"So, what's up? Your text sounded pretty serious" Brooke asked, sliding into the booth and sitting across from Chloe. Chloe nodded slightly, her gaze dropping from her friend as she stared at the mess of her yoghurt.

"I... I need to apologise. Like, properly. I've never treated you like you deserve. I've been nothing but rude and arrogant and I've always treated you like you were below me, w-which you're not! Obviously. You're an amazing person, Brooke, and I'm sorry for... being a bitch to you for so many years. I'm sorry for manipulating you and saying your opinions aren't valid because they're different than mine and for making you act like a different person than who you are. I don't... I don't want to be the reason that you change yourself. I want you to be yourself, not someone that I tell you to be. And I'm sorry for Halloween. For everything that happened with Jeremy. I was... jealous of you" Chloe was ranting until the Squip shocked her once again.

_You're making it about yourself. You don't deserve her pity._

"Jealous?" Brooke's voice was soft, her eyebrows furrowed as she tried to understand everything that Chloe was spilling to her.

"Everyone likes you. You're a very likeable person. I'm not. People don't actually like me, they fear me. I'm jealous that you're popular because you have friends whereas I'm popular because I scare people. I think I was also jealous because Jake had started hanging out with Christine and you had started dating Jeremy. You're the only two people I was actually close to and I was... I was scared that you were going to leave me" Chloe explained, ignore the shock as she spoke about her own feelings. 

Brooke took Chloe's hands into her own, causing the taller girl to tear her gaze from her yoghurt puddle to look at her friend. Brooke had a calm, warm smile on her face and Chloe felt a fluttering feeling in her chest take over the heavy one. 

"You're never going to lose me. You're my best friend, through thick and thin. I'm always going to be here for you, okay? But, thank you. You're apology actually means a lot to me" Brooke's voice was just as warm as her smile, which resulted in Chloe smiling too, although her smile was much smaller than her best friend's. 

"And, you know... I like you" Brooke added, giggling softly before standing up to get her own frozen yoghurt. The fluttering feeling in Chloe's chest increased, but she wasn't sure if it was because of what Brooke said or because of her laugh.

_Don't you dare make this about queer shit._

The fluttering feeling stopped and the heaviness returned, worse than before. Chloe blinked back the tears quickly, not wanting anyone to see her crying. She had already been struggling with her sexuality before the entire Squip thing happened, but now the Squip made it ten times worse. It would constantly hiss slurs and insults at her and Chloe sometimes wondered if that was the Squip or just her own thoughts. The strong shocks often cleared up her wondering. 

She scooped some of the melted yoghurt onto the spoon but dropped it at the shock. It was becoming dull by now, the Squip overdoing it.

_I've told you before. No eating unless someone says to. You're already disgusting enough as it is, you don't need to be putting on more weight._

Chloe choked down the nauseous feeling at the Squip's words. She felt her phone buzz and froze for a second. It was the pattern she had chosen for her mom, more a warning for herself if anything. She pulled it out of her pocket and read the dreaded text.

'Get home. Now.'

Blunt as always. She wasn't even out past the curfew that was only ever in place for the few days her mom was with her each month. She had arrived back two weeks after Chloe had been let out of the hospital and had planned to stay for the following week, saying that Chloe was clearly incapable of taking care of herself right now. She was due to leave tomorrow, so Chloe hoped that's what the text was mainly about.

"What's wrong? You never look at your phone that seriously" Brooke asked, sitting back down across from Chloe, now with her frozen yoghurt. Chloe gave her a small, apologetic smile.

"It's my mom. She said that I need to go home for whatever reason" She explained. Brooke frowned and sighed.

"Sometimes, I forget how much of a bitch your mom is" She said as Chloe stood from their booth to put her yoghurt puddle in the trash. The taller girl chuckled at the word choice.

"Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow Brookie... and thank you" She said before walking off to the car park.

The second she sat down in her car, her phone buzzed again. She sighed before checking it.

'Chloe. Home. Right fucking now'

'I'm coming now' She replied, chucking her phone in the passenger's seat.

When Chloe opened the front door, she hadn't been expecting her mom to slap her angrily. She fell to the floor, a hand placed over the raw handprint imprint forming across her cheek as she looked up at her mom. The older woman had clearly been drinking and, after a quick glance to the sitting room and seeing an empty wine bottle, Chloe could confirm it. Chloe stood up and went to brush herself off when her mom grabbed a handful of her hair, dragging her to the sitting room. Chloe yelped and tried not to make any noise at the sharp stinging on her scalp.

Her mom let her go and shoved her to sit on the couch before turning and pulling something from beside the table where her wine glass was set. Chloe watched anxiously and she swore her heart stopped for a few beats when her mom showed her what she had been looking for. It was a small bisexual flag that Michael had got for her when she accidentally came out to him. The burning hatred in her mom's eyes was enough for Chloe's shell to crumble. She felt hot tears slip down her face, stinging slightly when they came into contact with the handprint.

"So what? You're a fucking faggot?!" Her mom yelled, tossing the flag to the side. Chloe couldn't respond, her body trembling in a mix of fear and shame. Not responding appeared to be her worst choice of the night as her mom grabbed her empty wine glass and threw it at her daughter's feet. The glass exploded into small shards which pierced Chloe's bare legs. She cried out in pain as she felt the warm trickle of blood slipping down her shins. 

"Get out of my sight" Her mom sighed, collapsing into her chair. Chloe practically sprinted upstairs to her bedroom, locking her bedroom door and stumbling into her en suite bathroom. She grabbed some cleaning things from the cupboard as well as a pair of tweezers and band-aids before sinking to the floor, leaving against her bathtub. She bit down on her tongue as she slowly removed the glass shards that were stuck, cleaned the wounds and covered them with the band-aids. She had never been the best with blood, so she had to hold back the nauseous feeling when it came to the deeper wounds. Her hands were shaking the entire time, which really didn't help.

She had removed all the glass from her legs and had stood to put it in her trashcan when the Squip came back.

_Keep the big shard. The feeling in your chest will go away if you use it._

Chloe swallowed roughly. She knew that the voice was insinuating, but she didn't like the idea. The Squip shocked her, harsher than it had throughout the night, making Chloe whimper quietly in pain.

_Do you want to be better or not?_

The voice hissed and Chloe gripped the shard tightly in her hand before striking it across her wrist. She hated that it was right as the tightness in her chest eased slightly. She repeated the action again and again until the feeling was completely gone from her chest. She ended up glancing at her wrist and was hit by an intense wave of nausea, which made her fall to her knees and vomit into the toilet. She felt a hand move her hair out of the way but was in too much of a state to realise that it was her Squip, who was still glitching like crazy but had a small grasp on physical interactions.

It's plan was coming into action.


	3. Hold Me Closer and Taking Over

Chloe spent the school day trying to make herself as invisible as possible. Of course, being the most popular girl at school made that pretty difficult. She hated the way that people kept looking at her, confused by her outfit choice. As opposed to popular belief, Chloe did actually own more clothes than just short skirts and crop tops as she was dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved shirt with her usual bomber jacket over it. It wasn't a dramatic, rebellious stand, despite what was the newest post on the school's gossip page, it was simply a new choice.

If anyone asked why she was wearing it, she'd say that she just felt like it.

Brooke saw right through Chloe's lies about her clothes. Their friendship might have been problematic in the past, but they had still been best friends and Brooke knew that if Chloe was wearing full-length pants, something bad had happened. It was a kinda dumb rule that she had, but Brooke knew never to question it. She knew that she probably shouldn't ask what was wrong, but she knew that Chloe's mom wasn't the nicest person and after the demanding text messages for Chloe to return home and now she was wearing jeans, Brooke needed to know what had happened. She cared too much about the taller girl to just discard the feelings she had deep down, screaming at her about all the possible bad things that could have happened. 

The entire 'Squip-Squad' as they called themselves still attended the drama club, which was held after school every Wednesday and Thursday. Despite the events 'A Midsummer Nightmare About Zombies', the group worked well with one another. Maybe because it was just the Squip-Squad who actually attended the club or maybe because they were all connected after the Squip incident, except Michael but he had grown to be quite good friends with everyone anyways. 

The group sat waiting for Mr Reyes to arrive. Jake, Michael and Rich were mucking around, chasing each other around the room, Christine and Jeremy were trying to stop the three from their actions, Jenna and Brooke were talking in hushed whispers and Chloe sat alone, doing something on her phone. Except, she wasn't. Her phone wasn't even on, she was just staring blankly at the screen. 

_Slut_

_Whore_

_Scum_

_Bitch_

_Bitch_

_Bitch!_

"Hey, Chloe? You okay?" Brooke's soft voice made the Squip shut up instantly. Chloe took a shaky breath, ignoring the tears in her eyes and turned to face her best friend, who had slumped down beside her.

"Yeah, I'm good. Why, what's up?" Chloe did her best to ignore the way her voice broke quietly. Brooke, however, did not.

"What happened last night with your mom?" She asked, keeping her voice quiet as to not draw attention from any of the others. Chloe flinched at the question, instinctively pulling her knees tighter to her chest.

"N-Nothing. She just... wanted me home" Chloe normally prided herself on being a good liar, but today was clearly not one of her good days. Brooke turned her body to face Chloe, sitting cross-legged on the floor.

"Chlo, I know the dress-code thingy you do. You only wear pants when something bad has happened and I know that your mom can be... a lot" She spoke softly, trying her best to be calm and comforting. She knew that it took a lot for Chloe to open up, especially about her home life but the few times that she did, Brooke had always been there for her.

_She'll hate you._

"You'll hate me" Chloe whispered, blinking back tears profusely. She didn't like feeling weak, but ever since she came out of the hospital, that was something that would happen a lot. She blamed the Squip.

_You can blame me all you want, doesn't change the fact that you're a manipulative, self-centred bi-_

Okay, she gets it.

"Chlo, I could never hate you. Not after everything that happened, not then, not now and not ever" Brooke placed one of her hands on Chloe's knee reassuringly. The warmth and comfort that it brought Chloe made her Squip shock her.

_No queer thoughts._

The reassuring smile and the sheer kindness in Brooke's eyes made Chloe feel the most vulnerable than she'd ever felt. 

"She found a pride flag and yelled at me about it and called me a slur and threw a wine bottle at me" She said quickly, her gaze falling to the floor. She heard Brooke gasp softly and felt herself being pulled into a tight hug. Chloe sat frozen for a few seconds before wrapping her arms around Brooke's torso and holding onto her tightly. She had never been a big fan of physical contact, but Brooke made her feel calm. Safe. There was another feeling, but Chloe didn't know how to describe it. 

_It's love, you dumb bitch. And it's disgusting._

Oh...

Brooke slowly pulled out of the embrace, despite Chloe's subtle attempt to keep it going, deciding to gently cup the taller girl's face in her hands. Chloe felt her cheeks flush at the intimate contact, but either Brooke didn't notice or she chose not to mention it.

"You didn't deserve that. Nobody would deserve that. It doesn't matter who you like or what you identify as, she had absolutely no right to act like that. And I'm guessing that she had drunk the wine before throwing the bottle, which makes it even worse because she was drunk and probably didn't even remember what had happened. But, you deserve love and happiness and people who love you. A family. Or maybe even... a squad?" Brooke broke into a grin at the end of her mini-speech as Chloe chuckled softly, rolling her eyes.

"Ugh, you're all losers... but, I guess that makes me a loser too" She sighed, grinning along with Brooke. The shorter girl practically radiated happiness, so it was nearly impossible to resist.

"Oh my gosh, Chloe Valentine just confessed to being a loser! I think somethings wrong with your head!" Brooke exclaimed dramatically, catching the attention of the others. Chloe pouted as Brooke placed her hand against the taller girl's forehead, checking her temperature.

_If only she knew._

Chloe felt the happiness practically drain from her body at the Squip's voice. Her voice, but more robotic and glitchy and emotionless. She tried to ignore it, focusing on the girl in front of her and her friends around her, who were watching the duo's interactions carefully. Chloe saw Michael out the corner of her eye, who smirked at her before occupying himself with something on his phone. Probably another rant to her about how cute Rich was.

_Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87._

Her mother stuck to her word and was gone by the time Chloe came home from school. There was a sticky note on the fridge that simply read 'Back whenever. Might be a few weeks. Don't be a whore' which was a lovely thing for a mother to say to her daughter. But Chloe didn't spend time downstairs, instead locking herself in her bedroom and then, in her en-suite. The Squip had decided to be very active just now, insulting her appearance in the mirror.

She wasn't sure how it had happened, but Chloe was kneeling on the floor, vomiting into the toilet just like the previous night. However, this time it wasn't because of blood, although the Squip said they'd get to that later, but because she had her fingers down her throat. She didn't want to, but it was almost like the Squip had taken control of her body and was forcing her to do it. Ever since she'd come out of the hospital, she felt herself getting weaker, both physically and mentally. But still, she said nothing to the others. 

_You don't deserve their pity._

She didn't deserve their pity. So, instead, she was being forced to make herself ill and to mutilate herself. But, she was fine. It's what she deserved, right?

The rest of the 'Squip-Squad' had noticed a change in Chloe over the next two weeks. At first, they thought that she had decided to be nicer as she no longer shoved people out of her way in the corridors or yell at them for whatever reason she could make up. But soon, they realised that something was wrong.

She rarely ate lunch and if she did, she'd always make up an excuse to disappear immediately afterwards. She'd flinch if someone touched any part of her arms. She always seemed to be lost in thought and whenever someone broke her out of them, she was on the verge of tears. She rarely took part in their conversations, only speaking when someone spoke directly to her and even then, it was short and quiet. 

They knew they had to take actions when Chloe turned up to school in sweatpants and a hoodie, which had the hood pulled up and tight around her face.

_Slut_

_Whore_

_Bitch_

_Slut_

_Whore_

_Bitch_

_Slut!_

_Whore!_

_Bitch!_

Chloe practically threw herself from her seat, ignoring the looks from her classmates and the teacher as she left the classroom and running to the bathroom. She couldn't breathe. She was trying, but she couldn't. Her throat felt like it had closed up and she was suffocating. Her eyes burned with unshed tears and she couldn't hear anything except from the ringing in her ears and the now muffled voice of her Squip.

She locked herself in a cubical before sliding down the door and slumping to the floor, pulling her knees to her chest and tightly wrapping her arms around them. She didn't even care about how gross the floor was. She sobbed into her knees, her breathing sounding more like choking. Some part of her made her pull her sleeves up and start clawing at the barely healing scars, splitting them back open and causing them to begin to ooze blood. She wasn't sure if it was the Squip that made her do it or her own mind. She didn't feel sick looking at the blood anymore, she was used to it. If anything, it gave her a grip on reality. Made her realise that she was still human and not just a complete monster like the Squip told her.

Much to the Squip's joy, Chloe had ended up turning to self-harm whenever her thoughts got too loud. The Squip didn't have to tell her to do it, she would do it by herself. Her arms were a complete mess of scars, both from her own actions and the Squip's shocks, which had only become more frequent and harsher as time passed.

The Squip had realised that Chloe was in love with Brooke before Chloe had realised that she was in love with Brooke. The Squip didn't like it, constantly telling her how it was disgusting and often calling her slurs or replaying the events of what happened with her mother, which was the Squip's favourite way to break her down. Chloe never came out to anyone besides Michael, Rich and Brooke, because she knew that they wouldn't judge her. In all fairness, they couldn't judge her because they were all LGBT+ themselves. She often found herself being ranted to by Rich and Michael about their crushes on one another and how they both think that they might like Jake too. Chloe tried her best to convince them to ask each other out but was often told that she should take her own advice, which left her to laugh uncomfortably and change the topic as the Squip hissed insults at her.

Suddenly, she stopped crying. She stopped choking. She felt nothing, not the warm drip of blood down her wrists, not the burning sensation of her inability to breathe, not even a shock from the Squip. It was silent and cold until she fell limp against the cubical wall and the Squip's voice filled her head. 

_Chloe Valentine. As your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor, it was meant to be my job to make you a better person. But, due to the malfunctioning incidents of the play, it has been my job to make you realise just how much of an awful person you really are. As you've grown weaker due to my control, I have grown more powerful and due to your current state, I have been able to take control. I have full control over you. And now, it's my job to rid the world of such a horrible excuse of a person._

Chloe screamed out in pain as she felt the Squip's energy travel through her blood, her head pounding in pain and her skin burning. With a mix of her own will and the Squip's control, she unlocked the cubical door and staggered to the sinks, looking at herself in the mirror. There were blue circuit board patterns coming from her neck and connecting to her eyes and her eyes were electric blue instead of the usual sharp green shade, with the outline of the circuit boards running through the whites of them. She stood in shock until she felt like she passed out.

In reality, the Squip had taken over. It was now in control and soon, Chloe Valentine would be no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a high-key mess, but that's fine...


End file.
